Tall Tales Of A Male Southern Belle

 I don't think that I'm happy here at my sober house....

 hello is there anyone out there? testing testing....  if so, I need to run an idea past y'all... I think that I need to go into the hospital again......

 Don't quote me, but I think that I might be losing it again.......

Dear journal,

I'm so confused most of the time...  I'm so sick still  :0(

 Dear Journal

I'm back on my craigslist horse again.... umm hmmm I need a little ahem... touch...

Dear Journal,

This lil mary needs to find some work as a musician here in town, i've been here for a month now....  oh, and, I don't miss waco... at all...  E'en tho' it's home....

oh  justin hun, you need to get it together bitch!!!!!

ok i'm better

 I'm so fucking angry and want to die right now.....

Dear Journal,

Am I gay enough? I raise that question because I just feel like a fraud sometimes.... I don't know why, but I just do, I mean, I do love tha menfolk, lol..... and I use to be this flag waving, card carrying homo, but I just don't have that wind in my sails anymore... is that part of growing up? Or is it part of depression? part of my mood swings? Am I redefining what it means for me to be gay? Because I don't shave everyday, or flame the way I used to, I still know what I am... and Atypical homosexual male, that's not in it for everyone elses approval, just my own now....  My drag mother and sisters are pushing me to debut my mug... I'm not ready for that yet, in fact I don't think that i'll ever be ready for that.... I don't think  that I want to be a drag queen nright now, or ever..... sure it's fun to play kabooki every now and then, but not all the time.... I do want to find that special someone, and spend some time if not eternity with him... where is he? I feel special, yes, but I do  need someone to make me feel special too.... I need that so bad, I can taste it... I am after all, only a man, a gender bending man... ~justinian

  Ugh

Dear Journal,

Today was a good day, I have broncitis though..... argh!! lol ~justinian oh, btw, new york is a dream of mine....... 

Dear Journal,

I've been in the hospital. i'm back 

Dear journal,

So ya. I did somthing really stupid last night, well more than one stupid thing.....

Dear Journal....

I've got a little resentment against Kay for standing me up today, we were supposed to go to a noon meeting, and especially after I pulled it together yesterday to welcome her home, I'm so sick right now, and He doesn't apprecitate the situation because he doesn't know how close to the brink I am, maybe I should tell him, and I suppose I shouldn't let my heart get tangled in affairs of people, and take things so personal, because people will fail you every time i'm starting to learn,   after all they too, are only human...I hate having such a tender heart, I hate to admit  that about myself, I hurt so easily... I did want to use because of that, isn't it funny how things are percieved by one that's so depressed? 

I'm taking the 4th step to get it out of me, and on paper, well, online, lol, and I must say that it feels better....

Dear Journal,

Today was fan tan tabulous!!! Kay surprised me by coming earlier than I expected... (s)he came over and met shaye, they hit it off right away, turns out they knew a lot of the same people.... small world huh? I got approved for EBT (food stamps) today too,  I wept bitterly in my sleep last night though, I was still depressed..... my friends are what's keeping me going all of you babies, y'all are a god sent the ones I know online, and in a physical sense thank y'all...

Thursday I'll be getting my one month chip... yes!!!!

Dear Journal,

Today was good I recieved good advice from good friends, and options are opening up so, it's going to be alright, Plus daniel and I went to see Sex and the city the movie, and it was great!!! Daniel convienced me not to get electro-shock therapy.

We talked about a very sensitive subject, "bisexual" bois, and how hard we both worked to get one, and both wound up getting crushed in then end..... yeah, turns out that I'm not over Lance, and he's not over David..... It also turns out that I have lots of COLD SHINY HARD RESENTMENT against Shaye (rashad) for screwing Lance.... what a horrible thing for a jealous best friend to do.... Was lance the love of my life? not any more.... all I do know is that i'd give it up for him in a new york minute! Still .....

~Justinian

Dear journal,

meh, yes, but I'm going to try to wade through the shit to have a good day mmk?
Cali Thomas and Justin came to see me on friday, it was lots o' fun! I was still all depressed, but seeing good ol' friends helped out so much that day.

Today Daniel ( I call him Danika,lol) is coming to see me. HERE'S TO A GOOD DAY!!!!!

~Justinian

Dear Journal,

If I go to a hospital, I don't know if i'll have a home to go to when I get out......
I want death, it requires action though, I haven't reached that point yet, but if it does .. heh you think that I'd tell anyone? All that I do know is that i'm close..

Dear Journal,

Today is a good day . (yay) I've got a few "suitors" right now, and um, don't wait up ! tee hee , lol ~justinian